Judgment should be directed toward the decision to *have* a child.

The last guy that I dated said something really profound that has really stuck with me. He said that given the huge amount of responsibility and work that goes into bringing a child into this world, that decision needs to be followed with more questions than the decision to not have a child. It's so true! It seems that more often, the decision to have a child is judged as a positive one and the decision to not have a child is judged to be a negative one. And the funny thing is, there really is no substantial reason to negatively judge the decision to not have kids. People usually only say, "You don't want kids? why not???" and that's it. And it's kinda like people who choose to not have kids are the most cold, kid-hating, people ever.

However, with the decision to have a child, there are real significant questions to be asked:

-Have you thought about how you're going to raise it?
-What kind of a parent do you think you'll be?
-Are you willing to have your life revolve around your kids?
-Do you think you're stable enough emotionally, financiall and mentally?
-Do you know what you believe about life, so that you know what types of values with which to raise your kids? Do you know how you'll answer some of the questions they'll ask you?
-Have you taken care of yourself enough and know what you want out of life so that you don't find yourself resenting your kids later?
-Do you want this enough to be willing to forego sleep?
-Young children need consistency, a schedule, and structure? Can you provide those?

Yet, having a child that comes out of careless sex is considered to be the responsible act, and having an abortion as the irresponsible one? Seems like it should be the other way around. And it's not like in the olden days people had kids cuz it was the moral choice. They just didn't have birth control or sex education, and needed large families to work in the fields, and as a result of that, because the infant mortality rate was higher, they needed to try to have even more kids so that they had a greater chance of being able to keep some of their children. But our modern world offers us more options so that we can make more responsible choices. And sure, there is the valid concern of the biological clock and not wanting to regret not having your own kids when it's too late. But there are a lot of potential regrets to be had, all the more reason to first reflect on what you truly want out of life and how you want to contribute to the world. Having children is not the only way to do that.

Here is a link to an interview with feminist author Beverly Guy-Sheftall, who cheerleads for women who choose to not have children and talks about how the traditional conception of family traps people: http://feministing.com/2010/11/29/beverly-guy-sheftall-calls-all-the-single-and-childless-ladies-to-the-floor/ And it seems like the respect and excitement that women get from people when they get married or have kids is not the same amount they get for choosing to contribute to the world in other ways, such as by being psychologists, doctors, or teachers, or whatever. There is so much positive energy that is provided with bridal or baby showers, but what about the 10 or 11 hard years I'll have worked to become a psychologist? I've already helped a lot of people and will continue to do good work moving forward. Eleven years is longer than many marriages have lasted, and my dissertation is certainly my baby. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want to register for gifts when I graduate. I've been on a student income for a long time so that I can do hard, meaningful, work and have sucked it up because I believe in what I'm doing. (And I'm not materialistic.) What's wrong with asking for help to get things I've had to put off getting all these years? I could use new linen and kitchen supplies when I move into a larger place (hopefully someday) cuz I'll also have student loans to pay back. Going to grad school was my decision? Well yeah, but the decisions to get married and have kids are made of the same volition. And I know I cook a hell of a lot more than many married couples-ha! Yet they feel they need expensive silverware and china just for getting married.

I've been reflecting on my own life a lot lately, thinking about how hard I have worked and how satisying it has been. I don't know yet whether or not I want kids but I know I don't want to do it alone. So for me it's more about first finding a true life partner I can call my best friend. If I had a child earlier in life I would not have been ready. I have grown up a lot in the recent few years and am even more self-aware about the type of parent I would be. I'm so grateful I've had a chance to focus on my own healing and growth first. And recognizing my flaws will allow me to be a more cognizant and humble parent.

And if I feel ready to parent with the right partner, we could adopt; there are plenty of children who need good homes.