One of my ex-boyfriends and I were at the store one time and I picked up a box of condoms. When I brought it to the check-out line, he said to me "you dirty girl."
Another, very *square* ex-boyfriend of mine asked me what my intentions with him were and then said "cuz you don't seem like the kind of person who just wants to have fun."
One of my fellow cast members brought up the topic of sex in the green room and asked something to the effect of "what's bad sex?" Someone else responded with "depends on who it's with." I then said "depends on the sex." The cast member said, "Dang girl! And this coming from someone with two degrees????"
Notice anything common among these scenarios? It's pretty clear to me that even in the 21st century in the mind of supposedly educated folks, it's less okay for women to have casual sex, like sex, initiate sex, or talk about sex. If you think it's not, your head is in the sand.
Language certainly has an impact on our attitudes and culture and though we can't really be "perfect" about not perpetuating certain stereotypes, it is certainly our responsibility to at least be aware of them. On the show Friends, Monica tells Rachel "Chandler was pleasuring himself!" Rachel's response is "Eww, that couldn't have been fun to see. But you know, guys do that."
Only guys do that? Girls don't masturbate, or like sex? Apparently the idea of boys will be boys and girls are "sugar and spice and all things nice" has not completely gone away. My fellow cast member's comment makes me think "what, I can only choose brains or genitals but my body can't have both?" I remember how "losing my virginity" (notice the quotes) was such a life-changing decision and Jessica Valenti in her book The Purity Myth very brilliantly talks about how girls' and women's identities and self-worth should not be based on whether or not they engage in this very HUMAN desire and act. Yet someone as liberal, educated and open-minded as me has been impacted by society to where she was thinking "is he THE one? My body is ready but am I?" Once I do this, there's no turning back!
If you think about it, it's just sex for crying out loud. And it takes practice and it can get better and be different with different people. Some remote cultures in islands in the Pacific encourage an early start to sex with the attitude that it's healthy and takes practice. Our worth should not be based on whether or not we choose to take part in such a beautiful experience. But we should be educated about it and protect ourselves. Yet, in the 21st century, abstinence-only programs still exist and virginity on the wedding day is expected of the WOMAN but not the man.
I wonder if "the first time" is as big of a deal for boys, but I sense that it's not and I really resent that. In the book Valenti cites that "there is no working medical definition for the term 'virginity'." Despite this, "losing our virginities" is a big deal. She also cites that 'vaginal rejuvenation' in which the vagina is tightened or hymen is replaced is the fastest growing form of plastic surgery in the US today." So it's not okay to have sexual, HUMAN, experiences. We must "purify" ourselves to be worthy.
In the movie Garden State he says to her something to the effect of "You're innocent and I don't want him to take that innocence from you." Girls and women have to be innocent but boys and men can be around the block a few times and not be judged in the same way. As my sister so beautifully said, "We're all human. Can't we all just have experiences?" So in fact, this message is just as prevalent in our current century as it was before. And if we support such shows and movies, we are part of perpetuating the problem. We cannot completely control what Hollywood makes, but we can certainly speak out about the gender inequities.
But we first need to make the effort to think about them in order to do so, rather than being blind or passive observers.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Welcome!
The idea to start this blog was sparked today as I was reading The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. In general, whether I'm reading a book on women's issues or not, I am constantly battling them in my head. Being a woman, being raised by a woman who was in a terribly abusive marriage and yet displayed amazing strength and courage, and being passionate about striving for a world in which women are no longer oppressed, made me realize that I need to start blogging about all the "ah-ha" moments I have through these internal conversations.
You might be wondering about the blog title. Being a feminist, I still shudder just a tinge at using the word, not because I'm ashamed of being one (quite the contrary! as you will see in subsequent posts. :) ) but because of the connotation that the term has in our society today. It has become equated with "Feminazi" and male-hating and crazy and loud and ornery and bra-burning (which incidentally never did occur but the rumor spread like wildfire, as Sheila Tobias states in her book The Faces of Feminism). And in order to start the conversation with non-feminists to get closer to a more liberated world, perhaps using language that does not make people shudder could help.
But I am *not* a feminazi, hence the title "Femi-non-zi." I am about women being empowered, using more of their talents and abilities, not being viewed as sluts for enjoying sex, and not being told that they cannot, or should not, or *should*, just because they are women. I am for women's happiness NOT being based only on whether or not they are married, or have a boyfriend, or have kids, or have a particular type of body. I advocate for women making their own money to which their own name is attached so that they don't have to depend on someone for their livelihood. And I advocate for the law to stay away from their bodies.
As a dear friend of mine once so profoundly told me, there is a difference between "equality" and "equity." And to me, equality implies there is an equal sign, that everything on the right will balance out exactly to everything on the left. But the reality of the world is, that is not possible nor is it necessary. It's not possible in a relationship to use a balance sheet to check that one spouse did the dishes exactly 1/2 the time and the other 1/2 the time. Similarly, perhaps women cannot be totally equal to men and vice versa. After all, women have to be the ones to bear children, at least today, for the most part anyway. But that does not mean that the ground cannot be more equitable for the genders in society, just as a healthy relationship can be without a balance sheet for each chore.
So the goal of this blog is to share ah-ha moments and ideas on how we can get closer to more equity between men and women. I look forward to your thoughts!
You might be wondering about the blog title. Being a feminist, I still shudder just a tinge at using the word, not because I'm ashamed of being one (quite the contrary! as you will see in subsequent posts. :) ) but because of the connotation that the term has in our society today. It has become equated with "Feminazi" and male-hating and crazy and loud and ornery and bra-burning (which incidentally never did occur but the rumor spread like wildfire, as Sheila Tobias states in her book The Faces of Feminism). And in order to start the conversation with non-feminists to get closer to a more liberated world, perhaps using language that does not make people shudder could help.
But I am *not* a feminazi, hence the title "Femi-non-zi." I am about women being empowered, using more of their talents and abilities, not being viewed as sluts for enjoying sex, and not being told that they cannot, or should not, or *should*, just because they are women. I am for women's happiness NOT being based only on whether or not they are married, or have a boyfriend, or have kids, or have a particular type of body. I advocate for women making their own money to which their own name is attached so that they don't have to depend on someone for their livelihood. And I advocate for the law to stay away from their bodies.
As a dear friend of mine once so profoundly told me, there is a difference between "equality" and "equity." And to me, equality implies there is an equal sign, that everything on the right will balance out exactly to everything on the left. But the reality of the world is, that is not possible nor is it necessary. It's not possible in a relationship to use a balance sheet to check that one spouse did the dishes exactly 1/2 the time and the other 1/2 the time. Similarly, perhaps women cannot be totally equal to men and vice versa. After all, women have to be the ones to bear children, at least today, for the most part anyway. But that does not mean that the ground cannot be more equitable for the genders in society, just as a healthy relationship can be without a balance sheet for each chore.
So the goal of this blog is to share ah-ha moments and ideas on how we can get closer to more equity between men and women. I look forward to your thoughts!
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