Happy Belated Mother's Day

I was at the mercy of allergies on Mother's Day this year, keeping me out of commission the entire day, the main reason I didn't post this on Sunday.

Reflecting on my relationship with my mother has illuminated for me that in many ways, it is a stereotypical mother-daughter relationship with some familiar dynamics and conflicts. Listening to some of the memoirs on NPR while cleaning on Saturday made me stop in the middle of a task, just stand there with my mouth open and think, "That is so me and Mommy!" Over the years she and I have grown farther apart with, at least for me, our visits and interactions being more and more awkward. It only makes sense that my walls are up so high with her given that she and I have had a difficult past that we went through together, and the child in me is still very angry with her for "not protecting me." At the same time I love her so much, empathize with her and get such a heavy heart when I think of the horrible and scary marriage she went through and despite that, she managed to raise healthy and intelligent daughters and give them many opportunities. It's been tough feeling torn between those very intense feelings of anger and sadness for a long time and as I've chosen to process the former more fully in order to move forward, it makes sense that I've become distant with her. But now I think I'm at the readiness of accepting her for who she is while also protecting myself, making it easier to enforce my own boundaries while also appreciating her.


But it's not easy; not only do we have a generational gap, but we also have a cultural one and I often struggle with living my own life while also trying to appease her, the latter being the acceptable behavior for the first-born in a more collectivistic culture. And what really makes me mad is that it's my father who is to blame for these difficult relationship residuals between me and my mother (and me and my sister). He chose to hate rather than love and when he left, we got left in the suffocating dust. It's my mom and sister who get the brunt of my anger when he was really the catalyst. Don't get me wrong, I know that he misses out on the beauties of life by choosing to hate, but for all intents and purposes it has been a shitty deal for everyone.


I think that despite the family dynamics, mothers get the brunt of the criticism because in most families, they are the primary care-givers. Not only has empirical research shown that, but I constantly hear stories and see instances where the mothers are doing so much more of the parenting than the fathers. And lo and behold, children tend to criticize their mothers more: "she's crazy" "she freaked out on me" "I leave all my conversations with her feeling frustrated and that doesn't happen when I talk to my dad." Well duh, there's no instruction manual that comes with becoming a parent. And parents often became parents by accident or through some pressure-it only makes sense they not be perfect at it.


Society has put so much more expectation on mothers than fathers. It's like the fathers sit back and let the mothers do "the dirty work" (which is literal in most cases) so the mothers also have to deal with everything else that comes from doing that work. I think I'd go nuts too with years of dealing with screaming babies, 2 am feedings and making sure lunches are packed. My mother had to worry about me and my sister so much more cuz my dad sure as shit didn't.


And even in families where there is no abuse or extreme circumstances, women still do so much more of the child-rearing and housework. Not only is this shown in empirical studies but I see it anecdotally too. From the time that Mileva Einstein (Albert Einstein's wife) had to redraw herself (due to having a baby to care for-and actually being a better mathematician than Albert was by the way) from their scientific discussions they hosted for their colleagues at their home, to today where one of my girlfriends is suddenly MIA on Facebook after getting a job, but her husband is always on it. He is a parent with a job too. He can't watch the kids for a while so that she can get on FB or do what she wants to do for herself every now and then? Betty Friedan's "the problem with no name" is the case for so many reasons; things can seem okay on the surface but women do give up much more of themselves to parent than men do, and that can take a toll over time.

I think changing the language we use can start to remedy the view that mothers should do all the parenting and not have to share it with fathers. Just saying "my role as a parent" versus "role as a mother" "or father" can go a long way. Fathers can give a baby a bottle just as much as mothers. They can also get their asses of the couch and help in the kitchen. I often ask myself "Do I want to be a parent?" versus "Do I want a cute baby and be a mommy?" Parenting is so much more than having a cute baby and being a mommy. It's about being a host of a new person in an often intimidating world.

Happy Belated Mothers Day to all you mothers out there who work so hard. And remember to ask for help; don't assume you have to do all the work at home cuz you're a mommy.