One of my ex-boyfriends and I were at the store one time and I picked up a box of condoms. When I brought it to the check-out line, he said to me "you dirty girl."
Another, very *square* ex-boyfriend of mine asked me what my intentions with him were and then said "cuz you don't seem like the kind of person who just wants to have fun."
One of my fellow cast members brought up the topic of sex in the green room and asked something to the effect of "what's bad sex?" Someone else responded with "depends on who it's with." I then said "depends on the sex." The cast member said, "Dang girl! And this coming from someone with two degrees????"
Notice anything common among these scenarios? It's pretty clear to me that even in the 21st century in the mind of supposedly educated folks, it's less okay for women to have casual sex, like sex, initiate sex, or talk about sex. If you think it's not, your head is in the sand.
Language certainly has an impact on our attitudes and culture and though we can't really be "perfect" about not perpetuating certain stereotypes, it is certainly our responsibility to at least be aware of them. On the show Friends, Monica tells Rachel "Chandler was pleasuring himself!" Rachel's response is "Eww, that couldn't have been fun to see. But you know, guys do that."
Only guys do that? Girls don't masturbate, or like sex? Apparently the idea of boys will be boys and girls are "sugar and spice and all things nice" has not completely gone away. My fellow cast member's comment makes me think "what, I can only choose brains or genitals but my body can't have both?" I remember how "losing my virginity" (notice the quotes) was such a life-changing decision and Jessica Valenti in her book The Purity Myth very brilliantly talks about how girls' and women's identities and self-worth should not be based on whether or not they engage in this very HUMAN desire and act. Yet someone as liberal, educated and open-minded as me has been impacted by society to where she was thinking "is he THE one? My body is ready but am I?" Once I do this, there's no turning back!
If you think about it, it's just sex for crying out loud. And it takes practice and it can get better and be different with different people. Some remote cultures in islands in the Pacific encourage an early start to sex with the attitude that it's healthy and takes practice. Our worth should not be based on whether or not we choose to take part in such a beautiful experience. But we should be educated about it and protect ourselves. Yet, in the 21st century, abstinence-only programs still exist and virginity on the wedding day is expected of the WOMAN but not the man.
I wonder if "the first time" is as big of a deal for boys, but I sense that it's not and I really resent that. In the book Valenti cites that "there is no working medical definition for the term 'virginity'." Despite this, "losing our virginities" is a big deal. She also cites that 'vaginal rejuvenation' in which the vagina is tightened or hymen is replaced is the fastest growing form of plastic surgery in the US today." So it's not okay to have sexual, HUMAN, experiences. We must "purify" ourselves to be worthy.
In the movie Garden State he says to her something to the effect of "You're innocent and I don't want him to take that innocence from you." Girls and women have to be innocent but boys and men can be around the block a few times and not be judged in the same way. As my sister so beautifully said, "We're all human. Can't we all just have experiences?" So in fact, this message is just as prevalent in our current century as it was before. And if we support such shows and movies, we are part of perpetuating the problem. We cannot completely control what Hollywood makes, but we can certainly speak out about the gender inequities.
But we first need to make the effort to think about them in order to do so, rather than being blind or passive observers.
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Being over the hill and all, I am not aware of that much lingering gender inequality when it comes to sex. Or maybe it is more of a resurgance, because things were pretty darn free and easy back in the 70's when I came of age, as they say.
ReplyDeleteI guess there will always be examples to point to that support your concern, but I think people who say things like your fellow cast member did are in the minority.
I am much more concerned about gender equality concerning equal pay for equal work because we all know that particular discrimination still occurs, and it has more of a measurable impact than the opinions of an unenlightened repressed minority regarding something people do in private.
This is all merely my observation based somewhat on generational reference, so it might have as much to do with my age (menopausal! sex = whatev...) than anything!
Interesting topic, though.
yeah, it's certainly not what it used to be regarding sex, I agree. But I think there's farther we can go. I think men talking about sex is much more acceptable and mainstream than women talking about it. And that men experimenting is frowned upon much less than women experimenting.
ReplyDeleteThat is not to say that equality in wages is not important. And perhaps you raise an interesting point: that it could be even more important and needs more attention because it refers to people's livlihoods. But more on that topic to come in the near future right here, so stay tuned! ;)
Plus I think that we still have a lot of progress to make in terms of providing comprehensive and honest sex education in schools. Too many abstinence only programs out there, especially considering it's the 21st century. Sex also needs to be presented as healthy and beautiful, as well as having the desire to have it be normalized. It's still taboo to talk about, especially with teenagers, but they get the opposite message on tv, which can be confusing and is unfair. Even for someone as liberal and independent as me the decision to when to have my first time was an agonizing one when in reality there is no "perfect" person to "lose your virginity" to. My first time was at an age greater than the average, which led a lot of people to say to me, "good for you." Why? That implies that waiting and not expressing your sexuality (for a woman) is a good thing. I doubt that's the reaction a man would get. Someone would probably say to him "really???" and think it's odd.
ReplyDeleteIn The Purity Myth she really hits home that a woman's sexual status can define her self-worth so much, unlike in the same way for a man. But our sexualities are just one part of us as whole people. Shouldn't what you want to major in and what kind of job you're going to get be more agonizing? And one's "first time" should just be a part of life rather than undoing all other accomplishments or personal qualities. Not stigmatizing teenage pregnancy and comprehensive sex education would reduce the number of abortions. And teenagers whose parents openly talk to them about sex are more likely to put off their first time and make sure it is done safely and with someone that they trust. Yet as a society, I don't get how we avoid open communication about something that's a central part of life.
so anyway, I know you know all that but I was just trying to stress that I still see a gender inequity with the issue-I've had a lot of anecdotes along those lines and I'm just one person. Probably is a resurgance from the 70's.
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