The danger of domestic violence lies in the silence.

In the comment section I've put the link to the NY post article that reports that Charlie Sheen's arrest for attacking his wife earlier this month has been followed by greater viewers of his show Two and a Half Men. He supposedly has a long history of violence against women and is still the highest-paid actor in television (that link is posted as well). I've seen a few episodes of this show and it is one of the most mysoginistic that I have ever seen. Unexpected in this day and age. I will probably post on mainstream media's perpetuation of gender stereotypes in a future post.

This is just infuriating to me for a couple reasons. One, having witnessed domestic violence (DV) as a child and being a target of child abuse, such news are little triggers and poke a bit at those emotional bruises. And on a larger level, it is another example of how the issue of violence against women is still lower priority in our society. Of course I understand that things are not clean cut when it comes to business and it is often about the bottom line. However, Tiger Woods lost a lot of advertising contracts for his recent reputation of *infidelity.* Can absolutely NOTHING be done in the entertainment industry such that actors' salaries are penalized for *violence* against women? I see this contradiction as another example of how as a society we outwardly denounce infidelity yet we don't even want to broach the issue of abuse. I'm certainly not saying that infidelity is a good thing, but I can understand how it is possible in a loving relationship and does not necessarily mean that the relationship is over but rather, is a symptom of a problem that could be worked on. Woods' history is much more intense I know, but his personal issues are just those: personal and are separate from his ability to play golf. But when someone is being abused, that is a much larger issue yet Charlie Sheen has not made news as heavily. Why the double-standard? Why do we care so much about keeping unhappy relationships in-tact on the surface despite horrific things that could be going on behind closed doors?

And that's the thing. There is still a lot of silence around the issue of violence against women. We have come much farther and as a society by finally realizing that the issue is not limited to a particular ethnicity, SES, sexual orientation, etc. And I think that the OJ Simpson case really opened the door for that understanding. But we have much farther to go. My experience just in this decade has been that people in general *still* like to avoid the issue or don't believe in how severe abuse can be. When I worked as a volunteer on a domestic violence (DV) hotline, I opened up to one of my coworkers on how my father, in addition to doing physical, verbal, emotional and mental abuse had stolen $15K from my mother's bank account. This led the woman (a volunteer on a DV hotline no less!) to sort of laugh it off and look in the other direction out of ....embarrassment? disbelief? thinking taking a spouse's money is not abuse? On that note, a lot of people have the misconception that all money is family money and so there's no such thing as stealing from a spouse. Well, one, that implies that individuals in couples are no longer individuals and two, when a woman is threatened with death and kept from having autonomy, that sure as shit is abuse, particularly when it's that amount of money-it's her livlihood.

I'd like to believe that people's denial is from a place of love, not wanting to belief that humans are capable of treating "loved ones" in that way. And I'd like to believe that the silence around the issue (since the abuse mostly happens inside walls) makes it unbelievable, not that people think abuse is okay. Well we need to start breaking the silence.

Here are some tips if someone you know discloses experience with domestic violence:
-Listen
-The person might want to hear things like "I'm sorry" "That must've been hard" "Can I give you a hug?" "You are strong and have done a lot despite your experiences and I'm proud of you" "It's okay to get therapy if you think it's impacting your personal goals" "How can I help?" You can choose one or combination of those that fit for you.
-Do NOT take sides. I've had people side with my father or empathize overtly with him but not me (it's true) as well as denounce him. Through my healing process I've been able to have some empathy for him. The parent or spouse or partner is also a human being that the victim has something vested in. Speaking negatively toward the person rather than the behavior does not foster an alliance or trust between you and the person opening up to you.
-Do NOT say things like "that was in the past" or "everyone has problems." Of course those things are true but they are not helpful to the healing process and the person will not feel understood. The person is approaching you or talking about it because the issue still has an impact on him or her and there probably is deeper pain that they don't want to be alone with. All problems deserve empathy, and that is needed before progress can be made.
-Realize that a victim is not automatically "a mess" or psychopathological or cannot function. It is one form of pain that they have experienced that they need help with. Sadly, I've had a co-worker in a shelter once say, "Victims of DV are so broken that I don't think I could be friends with them." That's not compassion. Further, DV is very prevalent; in my research I found some studies that estimated that 1 in 4 women have at one point been abused by a man who said he "loved her."
-Do NOT say, "You must've done something bad in order for him to treat you like that." We had callers on the hotline who told us that police officers had told them that. This was said in *this* decade.

If you are a victim of domestic violence:
-Let yourself cry if you need to.
-Be judicious in who you talk to. Get a feel for if the person can be trusted and with what they can be trusted.
-Talk to a therapist. Unfortunately, going to therapy has some shame and stigma associated with it in our society, and that needs to be broken down too. Therapy is simply getting guidance from someone who can provide it objectively.
-You have the right to process the pain from the past, regardless of your station in life.

We need more compassion and courage so our society can progress...